Hi Reader,

Did you know that 64% of employees see performance reviews as a "partial or complete waste of time that doesn't help them perform better”?

YIKES.

We’re hosting an open-to-the-public event today at 12:00 PM ET on how to do better with Drew Fifield, Head of Global Talent Development at Axonius. Even if you can’t make it, RSVP, and we’ll send you the recording.

In the meantime, enjoy the latest edition of The Murmuration!

Each week, we share an applied tip or did-you-know to help you build knowledge and hone essential skills that help you kick butt at work and in life.

The Balancing Act of Managing Friends

In 2018, I was promoted to team leader, and several of my good friends suddenly became direct reports. We were the kind of friends that traveled together, gossipped together, and had many late nights out together. I wish I could tell you nothing changed, but I think too highly of you to lie.

When you manage friends, things change—I believe that they have to, in most situations. That said, you don’t need to lose those friendships completely. There’s a way to usher in a new chapter to the relationship that continues to be full of mutual respect and adoration. Here’s how...

Talk about it.

This is a must. Have one-on-ones with each of your new reports, including your friends, to reset on expectations and implications for moving forward. It’s OK to directly acknowledge any potential awkwardness and the fact that the relationship will likely evolve. It’s essential to empathize with how your friend might be feeling and to listen. Express how much you value the friendship and want to be their biggest advocate in your new role. And don’t assume that you know everything about them just because you are friends. This is a whole new vantage point—ask questions about what they appreciate in a manager, how they like to communicate, and how they prefer to receive feedback when it arises.

Over time, get comfortable explicitly acknowledging the role you’re playing at any given moment, saying things like, “As your friend, I think that’s risky,” or “As team leader, I think it would be best if you held off.”

Set and maintain boundaries.

I’ve read all the articles, and all of them tell you to stop talking sh*t about work with your friend-turned-report and that you can’t be one of the last ones at happy hour anymore. This is objectively good advice…but I feel the need to be honest about the fact that I didn’t always follow it. Sometimes I chose the personal relationship over the work one and (for the most part) I don’t regret that. What I will say is that if you, too, choose to ignore this very good advice on occasion, know that there can be consequences.

For example, you can set yourself up to be accused of favoritism, which can go beyond being a mere annoyance and have serious legal ramifications. Your behavior can also communicate that you are willing to blur the lines, which gives your reports permission to do the same—if you don’t want your friend coming in late to your one-on-one explaining that they are hungover, then you have to uphold similar boundaries. Also, being one of the crew can create an “us vs. them” divide, aligning you with your team instead of more senior leadership. That’s not always the worst thing—you’ll need to decide for yourself—but it can also limit your influence, impact your reputation, and create a potentially problematic team culture that makes it difficult for you to manage change or motivate performance (which, ultimately, you are paid to do).

Be great at your job (but don’t feel the need to be perfect).

The best way to make this transition a smooth one is to be really freaking good at your job. Be self-aware, think critically, communicate effectively, share information transparently, create objective standards and clear expectations, tear down roadblocks and advocate for your team, and build a culture of trust and belonging. By being a good leader you make your team’s experience at work better. Managers have an outsized impact on job satisfaction and well-being—a majority of people even believe their manager has a bigger impact on their mental health than doctors or therapists. Who wouldn’t want their manager to be someone they get along with who also kicks butt as a leader?

Just don’t go so far as to think you need to be perfect. If they are truly your friends, your team already knows that you are not, and a fancy title doesn’t change that. They know that you are new to this role and are learning. They’d rather hear you say, “I don’t know, let me find the answer” than have you make something up or get it wrong. Remember, as a leader, being vulnerable and authentic can help you build trust.

A final thought.

At the end of the day, accepting a leadership role is a choice you make and one that comes with responsibility. In losing some aspects of your relationship, you gain the ability to support and advocate for your friend in meaningful ways. And, while your friendship may cool somewhat—as mine did, in some cases—you won’t be their manager forever. Keep the human front and center, and you can be friends long after your last one-on-one.

Each week, we touch on an aspect of happiness and health at work, how to build it, and how to drive positive change in the workplace.

Our Collective Problem With Time Off

It’s getting hard to keep up with the “quiet” work trends. We’ve had quiet quitting, quiet firing, and quiet hiring—apparently, now it’s time for quiet vacationing, wherein we take time off without telling our managers. It could be cutting out early without notice, vacationing under the guise of working from [insert destination here], or just playing hooky on a day with no meetings.

At the same time, research from the Pew Research Center says 46% of U.S. workers don’t take all of their paid time off, and “managers are more likely than nonmanagers to say they take less time off than available”.

What the heck is going on here?

According to the Pew research, many people do say they just don’t need any more time off. But others admit they fear falling behind, feel bad adding work to their coworkers’ plates, worry it’ll hurt their chances at promotion, or fear losing their job. With quiet vacationing, some might feel they don’t get enough paid time off to cover both life events and vacation; others may be conditioned by a lifetime of hustle culture to feel guilt about ever not working, and I can’t imagine the seemingly ever-present threat of lay-offs has helped this trend in any way.

In both cases, it seems we have a really unhealthy relationship with taking time off, which is a shame because time off is incredibly important. Time off improves our well-being and our performance. It nurtures creative ideas and boosts satisfaction. And, by the way, research has shown that the frequency of time off is more important than the duration—we have to be regularly and repeatedly taking time off to really reap the benefits.

As managers and leaders, we have to help our teams reframe the way they think about time off. It should not be seen as something we need to recover from burning ourselves out or even a reward. As Adam Grant says, in a healthy culture, time off is seen as a right.

Try these tips for setting the standard:

• Model the behavior you want to encourage—take regular time off (and don’t Slack, email, or be online while you’re out).
• Include clear policies and expectations in your team manual or handbook, and be mindful of your language—frame it as a right, not a privilege or a benefit.
• Have proactive conversations with your team about time off on a regular basis—literally ask them when they will be out of the office and talk about it at team meetings.
• Look at the data—do you know how much time your reports took off last year?
• If you can, mandate it. Require everyone to take time off on a regular cadence. Just make sure you manage the logistics of this arrangement by planning and communicating well in advance, ensuring coverage and backup, and avoiding any problematic overlaps.

It’s time we let go of the shame, guilt, and fear associated with time off—it makes people happier at work and better at their jobs, which ultimately is better for business.

Each week, we collect a few great reads from a variety of disciplines to help you forge new connections and gain fresh perspectives.

• ​5 Signs Your One-on-Ones Aren’t Working (HBR). Signs your one-on-ones have gone stale, are unproductive, or are falling short of their potential and what to do about it.
• ​How Actors Remember Their Lines (Nautilus). Hint: it’s not by just repeating them mindlessly over and over again.
• ​Can Virtual Coworking Platforms Make Us More Productive? (Smithsonian Magazine). Have a read and let us know if we should try this at Starling!
• ​How to celebrate LGBTQIA+ Pride Month as a manager (Pyn). Recommendations and resources to help demonstrate your support this month and year-round.
• ​Why learning how to learn (and unlearn) is the new competitive advantage (BetterUp). What it means to be a learner in a dynamic tech-mediated world, and why a new type of “learning in action” is so important now.

Each week, we highlight some of the great things going on across the Starling community. Members can click on any of the links below to explore further.

• On Monday, we turned the page and reset our monthly leaderboard. Last month's winner, Dawn, left the competition in the dust! Will this month's contest be a closer race?
• On Monday, Jeff announced a new email communications cadence to help alleviate overwhelmed inboxes across the Starling skies.
• On Tuesday, Rachel solicited tips for effective delegation. Justin suggested framing the work as an effort to support and uplift others.

Given that you made it this far, we felt you ought to be rewarded with one of Jeff’s Famous Dad Jokes...

BONUS: In honor of today's free webinar, Rethinking the Review: People-Centric Approaches for Managers, we've got a performance review-related dad joke!

Rachel & The Starling Team